I feel like I’m in the middle of a binge. I’m not really sure how to stop it. My mind is like no noooo noooooo DON’T WANT THAT NO STOP WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP EATING THAT NO AHHH STOP IT THIS INSTANCE! But it’s like I have absolutely zero control over my actions. Does that make sense? It’s like the past week or so has been a surreal blur. Almost an out of body experience. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just weird. I barely remember anything tbh.

I’m not going to go ahead and say I have a binge eating disorder. I don’t. I go off the deep end once in a while. But usually it only lasts like a day or two of eating normal SAD (standard american diet) foods. I don’t go *crazy* on food or anything. I don’t stuff myself silly pass the point of popping or throwing up. I don’t get these urges to just shove food down my throat. I simply consciously choose to make the worst possible choices ahaaa. And I don’t feel like shit afterward. Yeah, I regret it. Yeah I feel crappy. But I don’t psychologically abuse myself over it. I just get back on track the following day as if nothing happened. In a way this is a good thing because that’s have I’ve kept a “healthier” relationship with myself, food, and making mistakes.

But this is different. I think this a legit binge. It has lasted like a week already and I don’t see it slowing down any time soon.

I think my last actual REAL binge was two years ago. Winter of 2010. I remember it perfectly. My semester ended. I was feeling like shit because I failed a few classes. I was beyond depressed. That was one of my lowest periods of my life. For those few weeks of break all I did was eat Taco Bell, cereal, chips, ice cream, pop corn, oreos, pizza, chinese take out, Burger King, those 10min macaroni packets, huge Monster drinks, pepsi bottles, etc. Just a ton of crap. And I’d just eat mindlessly. Even when I didn’t want to eat I’d “finish the bag” or finish the container of food that was left just so that I didn’t have to eat it the next day if I wanted to end it. I don’t like being wasteful and throw out food. The end of my binge usually when my food ran out. If the following day came and I still had cravings, I would buy more and it would continue. But it wasn’t like…. a strong impulse. Ya know? It was just me sitting around watching movies all day mindlessly snacking on EVERYTHING that my body was craving. 

The reason I remember it so vividly is because I did stuff myself silly a little too much one night. I don’t think I meant to? But it happened. I ate so many different foods that probably aren’t supposed to be combined together. At the time I was dealing with really bad anxiety issues. I thought I was going to get a heart attack or stroke or something or have anaphylactic shock. I was extremely extremely paranoid. The following morning I woke up with THE WORST indigestion. At the time I didn’t even KNOW what indigestion was because I never experienced it before. My stomach swelled up, and it was only getting worse by the minute as pressure built up more and more. I had a hard time breathing without pain. I had a huge headache. I legit thought I was dying LOL. My parents almost rushed my to the hospital (for the second time that month due to me being anxious about something). A few hours later it passed. It was just some gas that was stuck or whatever. But it scared the shit out of me. And after that I never had a legit binge. Something in my mind clicked that I can’t keep living like that. At the same time I also told myself I needed to stop being anxious all the time.

Fast forward to now. IDK. I think something just snapped in me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m really stressed out. Or because I suppressed my carb intake to 50g and my body is like, “FUCK YOU BITCH I’M REPLENISHING MY FAT STORES.” Yeah it sucks that this is happening, but I’m actually more concerned about WHY it’s happening rather than the former. I’m confused. I’m a little angry at myself for not stopping it. For the past 3 or 4 days I’ve been telling myself, “okay Lana.. today you’re eating 100% paleo. No sugary carbs. None. Get back on track.” But then I go and pour myself a bowl of Cheerios. It doesn’t satisfy me. It doesn’t fill me up. It just leaves me bloated. So then I go back and pour another bowl with raisins, or I eat some toast with fruit preserves, or I eat an entire mango. Still bloated, but not satisfied. It’s like I can’t help it. I WANT TO KNOW WHY MY BODY IS ACTING THIS WAY. I just don’t get it. 

The result? I’ve definitely gained weight. My face looks rounder and I look pregnant (seriously… my stomach is bloated so much I can’t even suck anything in). But yeah there’s definitely a huge difference in my face. The scale says I gained 10lbs but IDK how much of that is water weight. But definitely a lot of body fat. My jeans feel tighter. A lot tighter.

Like I mentioned earlier my “binges” usually end when I run out of food. And I don’t buy more food when I feel sick to the point that I can’t shove any junk food down my throat. I stop when my body practically screams for healthy food. Usually doesn’t take long. But this? It’s been exactly a week (I remember because I slacked on my paleo challenge while I was studying for my exam last week and had some toast with cheese.) And it’s like since then… it has been a downward spiral of just eating more and more bread, and junk food. It’s like bread is a total catalyst for craving carbs and sugar. 

I don’t know. But I’m not “sick” of it to the point of my body simply not craving it. And that’s a problem. My mind doesn’t want it. My mind isn’t craving it. I want some eggs and avocado drizzled with extra virgin olive oil. I don’t want to eat the shit I’m putting into my mouth. But subconsciously I do it anyway. I have no idea when this is going to start slowing down. I want to get back on track NOW. 

But I don’t know how.

I’m tired of not having energy. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of not being able to sleep properly. I’m tired of being famished to the point of feeling nauseous every two hours. I’m tired of feeling bloated like I have a baby growing inside of me. And I’m definitely worried about developing stretch marks omg. Been rubbing stretch mark cream all over myself for the past few days.

My best approach to this sort of situation is to cut all carbs cold turkey until the cravings go away. Except I’ve been trying that for the past 3 or 4 days and it just backfired in my face. =\ 

So yeah. That’s my life for the past week. Completely out of control and hopeless. I wish I could understand why I suddenly snapped so that I can get it under control and stop this madness. I did not feel deprived. I was HAPPY. I felt amazing doing paleo. My diet was great. So I don’t think it’s that aspect. And I’m way behind on my school work for that to be fixed any time soon. But I’m slowly working towards completing my assignments so that’s a start. 

Sigh. I just don’t know.